Friday, October 05, 2007
It is hard.
Death.
Such a natural end to every thing living, but when it really strikes, it hits you hard and deep.
Overcoming deaths of close relatives, friends and pets has never been easy for me.
I am an such an emotional and vulnerable being at hurting times like this.
I don't recall myself crying so much for some time. At every single trigger, the pain still throbs in my heart. The guilt and regret of not taking good care of Brownie when it was alive is still raw and painful. Regret gnaws on my heart till emptiness slowly took over. It is still hard to bear.
When I read about Herbie's death, tears couldn't stop flowing again. Herbie had been such a wonderful dog that I couldn't help but follow his blog for the past few months. To his mom, I'm sorry. Please take care.
Now, whenever I look at Napolean, I get scared. I am afraid of losing her the same way I had lost Brownie. I am afraid to get too close to her, only to get more upset later. I get reminded very much of Brownie when I see her.
I know all the stuff about death being a relief, and that maybe it is better to let the suffering go. But I am human, and I am still selfish. I miss having Brownie around to cheer me up. I miss the happy times I had with her, though I'm not so sure if she had been really happy.
To some, i know it sounds silly to be grieving so much for an animal. But this animal is my pet. And I am emotionally bound to this pet. I had been responsible for this pet. But, I had to be the one to lose her. I guess no one else would know why I feel so upset. I had been the one holding her paws onto the xray table when she gasped her last breath. I feel as though I had been the one strangling her to death. I feel as though I am the one sending her to her death. She did not go peacefully. And I am the cause of that.
I had a long walk today. Felt a little at peace. I thought I'll be fine. But the moment I got home and saw the cage with napolean alone inside, looking at me, I choked on my feelings again, trying very hard to fight the tears.
It would take time for me to get over this. Meanwhile, I will try to be normal. Because the earth still rotates.
¶ 10:52 pm
