Thursday, December 22, 2005
Verbal Diarrhoea - Once its out, I'll be well again
There are jars and jars of mixed feelings in me. My head feels so heavy that I can hardly think, but only see vague images of what happened recently flashing through my mind.
Witnessed so many things going on, feeling excited about the new year and the coming challenges and changes, yet I hesitate to rejoice. Simply because there are changes in people around me, and I am apprehensive how I should respond to these changes. I do not know if things are turning ugly, or my perception getting skewed. Or perhaps things have never changed. They have always been how they were, but never surfaced.
Each of us, myself included, has an alter ego – a Dr Jekyll and a Mr Hyde. There could even be more of each character in one single entity. Schizophrenia? Maybe. Maybe not. That’s just the way how you survive through the realities of life, when each situation calls for a different facade to face that problem.
Was pretty hyper recently. My emotions plot a simple curve graph. When my emotions reach the peak of my emotional roller coaster, it has to descend, and eventually reach the trough of the curve. Only then will it take a turn, and head for the climax once again.
I see excitement. I felt that, and I am at my pit bottom now, urging for the ascend to come. At the pit not because I’m upset or stressed about the workload, but I’m more distressed about something else. I do not fret over the challenges as long as I am given the support and the assurance that I’m not fighting a battle alone. Even if I stand a good chance of winning, knowing that I’m alone puts me off the course already. There is a strong unwillingness on my part to reveal my weaknesses. Perhaps I’ve been too over-protective of myself and too proud to admit defeat. This is going to be my Achilles ’ heel.
It may just have been my paranoia. Reading too much into things doesn’t do one any good. Things may not seem as complicated as they are, or are they? I try to humanize everyone around me, only to find that I feel as if I’m being treated like commodity to some. I try to empathize with everyone around me, only to feel isolation and being misunderstood.
It happens everywhere. Simply, the problem could lie with me. In the world of realism, idealism doesn’t thrive.
I need all the positive vibes I can get now. Where are you now?
A good sleep would suffice to clear my doubts and misgivings, I hope. If I go off-course, I wish for the strength to keep me to my aspirations.
Dear Santa, the one gift I really need - The courage to press on even if it means giving up everything else. ¶ 12:23 am
Witnessed so many things going on, feeling excited about the new year and the coming challenges and changes, yet I hesitate to rejoice. Simply because there are changes in people around me, and I am apprehensive how I should respond to these changes. I do not know if things are turning ugly, or my perception getting skewed. Or perhaps things have never changed. They have always been how they were, but never surfaced.
Each of us, myself included, has an alter ego – a Dr Jekyll and a Mr Hyde. There could even be more of each character in one single entity. Schizophrenia? Maybe. Maybe not. That’s just the way how you survive through the realities of life, when each situation calls for a different facade to face that problem.
Was pretty hyper recently. My emotions plot a simple curve graph. When my emotions reach the peak of my emotional roller coaster, it has to descend, and eventually reach the trough of the curve. Only then will it take a turn, and head for the climax once again.
I see excitement. I felt that, and I am at my pit bottom now, urging for the ascend to come. At the pit not because I’m upset or stressed about the workload, but I’m more distressed about something else. I do not fret over the challenges as long as I am given the support and the assurance that I’m not fighting a battle alone. Even if I stand a good chance of winning, knowing that I’m alone puts me off the course already. There is a strong unwillingness on my part to reveal my weaknesses. Perhaps I’ve been too over-protective of myself and too proud to admit defeat. This is going to be my Achilles ’ heel.
It may just have been my paranoia. Reading too much into things doesn’t do one any good. Things may not seem as complicated as they are, or are they? I try to humanize everyone around me, only to find that I feel as if I’m being treated like commodity to some. I try to empathize with everyone around me, only to feel isolation and being misunderstood.
It happens everywhere. Simply, the problem could lie with me. In the world of realism, idealism doesn’t thrive.
I need all the positive vibes I can get now. Where are you now?
A good sleep would suffice to clear my doubts and misgivings, I hope. If I go off-course, I wish for the strength to keep me to my aspirations.
Dear Santa, the one gift I really need - The courage to press on even if it means giving up everything else. ¶ 12:23 am
